My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
