are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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