The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize