got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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