so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
