I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
