i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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