a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
