That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
