I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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