We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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