bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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