I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
