I faked an abortion last night.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
