I am in a vortex of obligation.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
