Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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