As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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