He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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