did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
