What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
