when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
