why didn't you poke me back
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
