i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
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