we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
