The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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