I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
