you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
