Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
