The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Houston, we have a squirter
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
