I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
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