halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just blew my weed a kiss
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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