I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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