someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
