did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
