party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
