It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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