and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
