good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
