farters have to be the big spoon...
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
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