I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
