I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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