Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
