I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
