About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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