I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
