Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
