At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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