FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
