I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
should my penis look like a turkey
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
