Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
